


I can, and I will, but I won't. Not now.

by c4m1s4d (GYPAFY)



Category: Bandom, Gerard Way - Fandom, My Chemical Romance
Genre: Cutting, Frerard, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, You can see this as platonic or romantic frerard, and other self destruction, mentions of:
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-16
Updated: 2015-08-16
Packaged: 2018-04-15 01:53:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4588578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GYPAFY/pseuds/c4m1s4d
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gerard's suicide attempt.</p><p> </p><p>"Don't you fucking dare," Frank said darkly, and Gerard opened his eyes. He looked at Frank. Frank looked at him. Their eyes were locked, and Gerard realized Frank was shaking too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I can, and I will, but I won't. Not now.

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Frerard](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/137040) by MessAndCoffee. 



> This fic is inspired by the (linked) Frerard art by MessAndCoffee but in NO WAY is this related to the little summary she put at the bottom of the picture. This is my own story of how I saw the picture.
> 
> Also, this is set in a world where MCR was started when they were all much younger, and the band is never really successful.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

Gerard had lost all hope.

 

It wasn't like other times. It was nothing like any other time.

 

Every time he had cut himself, cried, lied, drank, and everything else self-destructive, he did those things, and _not_ suicide, because he had some hope.

 

But now.

 

Now, it was all gone. He felt completely depleted, every ounce of energy and excitement buried somewhere too deep, every slice of optimism for the future reduced to scabs and dust.

 

In a way, it felt good.

 

It felt good to know that he was past the point of return. That it couldn't get any worse than this. That he just didn't fucking care anymore.

 

And really, he had tried to prevent this. Been onto all the sites telling him he was worth more, listing all the things that could make him happy again.

 

But it was okay. Because Gerard had finally learned that he wasn't worth shit. He wasn't doing anything. He wasn't fucking doing anything and he never was going to. 

 

And the things that made him happy? They didn't work anymore. He was in a constant fuzzy state somewhere between numbness and depression ALL of the time. On the rare occasions something actually did make him happy, or let him lose himself for just a moment, his own mind made hell rain down as soon as he snapped back too reality, because he didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve happiness. He didn't deserve _anything._

 

Every night he wished he wouldn't wake up in the morning. He wished that every car that passed by would hit him. Every time he saw someone he loved, his bandmates, his family, the few people that came to their shows, he thought, _maybe this is the last time I'll ever see you._

 

But he couldn't just fall asleep and be dead the next morning, and cars on the road would try everything to avoid running him over. 

 

So it was up too him. 

 

Gerard went to his closet with a sense of finality, taking out the lock box he had started using when he was fucking fourteen--had it really been that long?

 

 _You should've ended it a long time ago._ His mind taunted. The worst part is that Gerard fully agreed.

 

Many razors, cigarettes, pills, bottles, and whatever else his desperate hands could find had passed through that box. But this time, when Gerard opened it, the only thing he saw was the gun.

 

He had bought it 3 years ago from someone shady in the dark of the night. He had promised he wouldn't use it unless he had completely lost hope.

 

It was time. 

 

He had thought about this so many times before. He thought that through the whole thing, he would be somber, but not sad, simply taking it out, pressing it too his temple, and being gone.

 

He surprised himself.

 

He picked up the gun with hands that, he suddenly realized, were shaking. His breathing was heavy. Anxiety was clawing at his stomach. His body didn't want him to die.

 

But his mind. His mind was a mantra of, 

 

_I want to die I want to die I want to die_

 

_Let me go Let me go Let me go_

 

_I can't keep going I can't I can't I can't_

 

So he put the fucking gun to his temple. 

 

And then he was crying. Harder, more violently than he ever had before. His body was jerking without reason as he gasped for breath in between wails that he suddenly couldn't keep quiet. His eyes burned even when he squeezed them closed, causing more huge tears to spill out. He could feel them trailing down his cheeks as every muscle in his body tensed without warning. 

 

He looked up at the ceiling, trying to will himself to pull the fucking trigger in between his minds constant _IwanttodieIwanttodieIwanttodieLETMEDIE._

 

He shut his eyes, suddenly aware of every inch of sweat sticking to his skin, the salt in the tears still trailing down, down. There was no coming back from this. He had to end it now.

 

And thats when Gerard felt a forceful hand circle his wrist and pull the gun back.

 

Gerard let out a loud yelp, and his eyes shot open.

 

It was Frank.

 

Gerard had never seen a more interesting and devastating cocktail of emotions on anyone's face.

 

The most obvious emotion was betrayal, which shone through his eyes was etched into each feature on his face. Anger, was there, thick and thorough. And there was sadness, deep, deep sadness, that Gerard had never had so firmly directed at him. 

 

But Gerard only took less than a moment to take this in, before his eyes shut again and his crying returned, more violent before, because it _didn't_ _matter_ that Frank was here, that didn't give him a reason to _live_ , and he _had_ to do this _right fucking now._

 

Frank's arm was still wrapped around his wrist though, holding the gun back. But the gun was still pointed at Gerard's head. If he pulled the trigger the bullet would go through his brain. It would pass through his skull, and he would drop to the floor, never having to see Frank's face afterwards, and never having to go on with life again. If he pulled the trigger…

 

"Don't you fucking dare," Frank said darkly, and Gerard opened his eyes. He looked at Frank. Frank looked at him. Their eyes were locked, and Gerard realized Frank was shaking too. 

 

Frank stepped forward, into Gerard's space, their eyes locked as he moved. Frank pulled his wrist back as he did, effectively placing himself between Gerard and the gun. 

 

"Don't you fucking dare," Frank repeated, much, much quieter this time. 

 

Frank let go of his wrist. Slowly, Frank's shaking arm found the bicep of the Gerard's hand, that was still holding the gun, but now to the back of Frank's head.

 

They stared at each other for a long time. 

 

Frank's face was a look of determination, but through his eyes, Gerard could see how sad he really was. 

 

Gerard's face was a mess. Tear tracks stained his too-pale skin, his nose was red and runny, and his mouth would open occasionally, taking small gasps of air. His eyes were screaming, they were screens, so anyone who looked could watch the horrific thoughts passing through his mind.

 

Frank closed his eyes. Before Gerard could process it, Frank tilted his head down, and then their forehead were pressed together.

 

Gerard closed his eyes then, and took his time trying to memorize this feeling. Memorizing every single point on his body that was touching Frank, finding himself pressing closer, because he was fucking scared of whatever was going to happen next.

 

The moment Gerard realized he had stopped crying was the exact moment Frank's entire body hitched with a sharp intake of breath, and he quietly started to cry. 

 

Gerard could feel the Frank's uneven breath ghosting his mouth, and he hated it. Frank shouldn't be crying over him. 

 

So Gerard softly pressed his lips against Frank's, unintentionally pulling him closer, and pressing the gun harder into the back of his head, causing Frank to shake even more. 

 

The kiss continued, extremely soft, tentative, and sweet, with no other motive than each boy comforting the other. Gerard put all of his focus into it, ignoring everything but the man pressed against him. Ignoring his mind's pleas to end it all. Ignoring _why don't you just pull the trigger and kill Frank? Then no one will be around to stop you from ending this miserable thing you call a life._

 

Frank moved away too quickly, pulling their foreheads apart and locking eyes with Gerard once again. 

 

"You…" Frank let out a choked sigh. "You can't."

 

The gun in his hand suddenly felt 10 times heavier. Gerard made a decision.

 

Slowly, he moved the gun away from the back of Frank's head, and set it on the nightstand. He was being as honest as he could without saying, _I can, and I will, but I won't. Not now._

 

Gerard felt tension leaving his bones all at once, and saw it drain from Frank's face, leaving a small, but sincere smile.

 

The danger had passed, for now. But it made Gerard's entire body feel heavy and so, so tired. He couldn't break this moment though, so he moved his arm up and grasped Frank's hand, pulling it down and moving the both of them down onto his bed without breaking eye contact.

 

They lay next to each other, watching each other, taking in each movement the other made and each thought that shone through the other's eyes.

 

As drowsiness started to grip both men, they gravitated toward each other, reveling in the warmth the other provided. Frank wrapped an arm around Gerard, and closed the distance between their bodies.

 

It was some weird cross between cuddling and hugging, but it was warm, and it was Frank, and even though his mind never truly shut up, Gerard felt safe. He hadn't felt safe in a very long time.

 

Gerard smiled.

 

A huge, genuine smile, because he felt in this moment, he could let himself be happy. Because Frank thought he deserved his life, and that meant something, right?

 

Frank returned with a beautiful Frank grin, and yeah, it did mean something. It meant a lot.

 

After a while, Gerard let himself slip off into sleep. Frank leaned over and kissed his forehead, and then fell asleep himself.

 

\---

 

About an hour later, Gerard woke up with a jolt, the events of before flooding through his head. He looked over at Frank, still sleeping next to him. His whole face was relaxed, nothing like the high-energy, high-emotion Frank he had been faced with so recently. Frank looked deeply asleep, so Gerard sat up in the bed. 

 

The gun on the nightstand caught his eye. It was in arms reach.

 

He could. He could.

 

He felt calm, at peace with the thought. He could. He could end it all now. 

 

He picks up the gun,

 

but, no.

 

He won't do it. He won't do that to Frank. Frank cares about him, and that makes Gerard happy, and for now? 

 

For right now?

 

That's enough.

 

He sets the gun back down on the nightstand, and looks back to Franks sleeping form.

 

But he's not sleeping anymore.

 

His eyes are wide open, and he is grinning wide.

 

Gerard realizes Frank saw him put the gun down. 

 

He's grinning with pride.

 

And Gerard thinks, _maybe there is something worth living for._

 

**Author's Note:**

> A lot of times, when I'm actively seeking out fics having to do with suicide, I'm feeling pretty terrible. If you are in that situation right now, or feel that you need some one to talk to, please, PLEASE feel free to talk to me, by commenting or emailing me at:
> 
> music.alexam@gmail.com
> 
> Otherwise, hope you enjoyed the fic, and please comment and kudos if you like it! It makes me happy!
> 
>  
> 
> EDIT (7/21/15): Would anyone be interested in me continuing this? I created it as a dramatic oneshot, but I've been thinking about this AU and I'm starting to get more ideas. If you would be interested in more, please tell me in the comments! And thanks again for reading! <3


End file.
